and in the end, the change you seek is always political
My inability to articulate just how I feel and what I'd like to do about it is constantly couched in what I think is possible.
I will never know if my immensely practical nature is actually who I am or what I've been able to imagine in such a limited and stifled existence.
The insidious nature of limiting beliefs is that I did not create mine in a vacuum, there is a direct experience as to why I think they're all true. But it's solely up to me to seek to change them as they arise.
There is no other way to do it but by living bigger and bolder than I could have ever imagined and just trusting that there won't be terrible consequences.
It's important for me to recognize that some of my pessimism, limitations and barriers are self-made to protect me. I can honour that AND still challenge that need for known safety.
Who and what I am is because of the world I live in, but I am working really hard to imagine a better one for myself first and trust that it will ripple out.
I’ve been having discussions with people who hold a lot of power, privilege and keys to the gates and that have been utterly baffled by the idea that trauma and White Supremacy™ have lasting impacts beyond the direct conflict. The idea that children and youth internalize these moments and create paths in their brains about where and who and what is safe, or tolerably unsafe, is new information.
It is challenging to imagine that as true. How could something so foundational to my entire existence never even be considered by the people who have to power to make those barriers and uphold them? It is crazy-making, that White people are insulated from the myriad ways they can create, uphold and maintain the most violent aspects of society.
Trust but verify. I can trust that they are speaking from a place of genuine ignorance, but these conversations and workshops and panelled discussions are giving them alternative narratives that they are choosing to put down. I can’t shame someone for now knowing what they don’t know, but I sure as shit can hold them accountable for not synthesizing knowledge into their life and work. THAT IS THE CHOICE. If you know doing some coping skill is unhealthy and still do it that is a choice you’ve made.
Unlearning that reflex and creating alternatives is all up to you, in this ruggedly individualistic society. I cannot hold space for you not wanting to feel bad about the selfish choices you make. Create your own community, build relationships that hold you accountable and call you in when you deviate from shared values. But if you are an oppressor, it is not on the oppressed to package the message in a palatable way. Take responsibility for the feelings that arise, you can’t outsource the work babes.
