How To Be An Ally: Why Can't We be Friends?

I have lived most of my life being the only women/person of colour in a room. Oh joy. That also means I have plenty of white friends. I feel blessed with the wonderful people in my circle. That is not to say I haven’t met and been met with immense derision, I have, daily. And the fun thing about being a woman of colour is that you never really know if its misogyny or racism that’s getting in your way. This series: How To Be An Ally will serve as an outlet to unpack some common shared experiences as well serving to be a set of guidelines to non-people of colour.

The question I get the most from what I affectionately call Well-Meaning White People is: “how can I show my support of people of colour to them?”. There is an Indigenous co-worker, or an Asian neighbour or a Black parent at your kids school that you’d like to reach out to. But you also want them to know how woke you are, and liberal and that, all you want to do is be friends with them.

The first step in establishing contact is to DON’T.

Unless an opportunity for an organic interaction occurs you should hold your horses. Your attempt to connect is; at best disingenuous, at worst tokenizing and slimy. People are not beanie babies, there is no value in collecting them and storing them away. Lots of racists can have People of Colour friends. If you are expecting some sort of “I have a Black friend” card you can pull out whenever you feel like it than your motivations are of the gross and slimy variety.

“But how!? How can I connect once my motivations are genuine?”

Simple: hold other Well-Meaning White People accountable, that makes the biggest impact.

If you are lucky enough to have a friend that isn’t exactly like you; then your first job is to listen. It’s a simple step because it seems rather straight forward, but beware the pitfalls. You must actively listen when they are sharing something of themselves; your role is to show support by keeping your mouth shut unless it’s to empathise. This is where the difficulty comes in. You as a Well-Meaning White Person know lots of other Well-Meaning White People and just KNOW that they didn’t really mean that racialized comment, or they just phrased it badly! Do not do that. If you do, you have now sided with the oppressor. And that’s exactly what it is, active oppression. It’s not enough to love and support Jagmeet Singh, would you step up if someone is insulting him or making veiled comments about his turban?

“But that wasn’t racist!” you say!

Here is what we hear when you say that wasn’t racist.

You have sided with the person that is exerting their power negatively towards your friend. You think they are more worthy of defence than your friend is, because god forbid someone be called a racist. And now your friendship has changed, it has placed doubt in your friends mind and you may never know how deep it goes. Racist, that word as a descriptor has been removed from the lexicon of Well-Meaning White People and now People of Colour no longer have a way to describe their lived experience. You have become a gatekeeper, it is now up to you to determine what is and isn’t racist. How generous of you.

So if listening is the first step, and if you have done so incorrectly or are attempting to make up for a past slip up than the next step then is to: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!

This is also rather difficult for Well-Meaning White People, they have such a negative response to this request. We are not asking for you to apologise for Colonialism as a whole. Just for the current issue at hand. Shifting focus, grandstanding and equivocating are all stall tactics, and we see right through them. You are pushing your friend further and further away. Racist isn’t a permeant title, but everyone who lives in privilege has the potential to say or do or believe some problematic stuff. The only way we can work towards a better future is to have open and honest conversations. Do not fear the title of racist, know it is not a permanent state but it easily can be if you are more concerned with absolving the oppressors and not helping the oppressed, for example your friend.